Noble's Monocle

Dear Boy! Do we have any more of those...Dear Boy! Ah, there they are! Don't mind if I... dear boy! This snuff is fabulous! What the deuce is that ogre doing there? Egad! Oh, it's you Lurky. Aiee! A Monstrous sia...Dear Boy! Yes, yes I want this published WORD FOR WORD you peon it's genius I tell you! And Agrimony is here! I told you, didn't I, dear boy...dear boy? Now, what was I doing? Ah yes, Another of those delightful flowers! Dear boy this is certainly the best party ever! And with so many beautiful goblins! Dear boy, what on earth was I doing....

“Beauty is a form of genius--is higher, indeed, than genius, as it needs no explanation.” – Oscar Wilde

“Mmmrfff! Mmmmfff mff mrfff … mffft; mffrrff mfff mfff! Mrfff! Mrfff mff mrrrrfffmmff mrfff. Mmmrfff!” - Agrimony

Mrff mrfffs,
Agrmff

What we see perfectly demonstrated here are the dangers of shopping on a budget. I really would have expected better from a fellow Blood Elf. Don’t mistake my meaning, I do understand that not everyone can afford to be fabulously wealthy like Cantugeas and myself but there is no excuse for this kind of sloppiness. Haut couture at the top, oh my god at the bottom.

I have no notion of what manner of madness is currently sweeping Azeroth but it seems my strictures in a previous edition of Noble’s Monocle were disregarded. For the last time you abominably ill-dressed freaks, covering one’s crotch never goes out of fashion!

I am most peeved.

As a range of heavy metal lingerie, this leggings and suspender combination would be vulgar; for daywear it’s utterly gauche. And I cannot even begin to imagine the armour chafe. Do try to have some self-respect, dear girl. Horrific rashes are only sexy to the Forsaken.

I have to say, though, I am rather taken with the new line from Amnennar the Coldbringer. This little number was certainly worth the outlay and, although I’m not usually a fan of a bare midriff, it does provide a necessary contrast to the austerity of the overall design. The asymmetrical spiky shoulders add a little drama and, of course, a halter neck is always terribly flattering for a girl of Chastity’s, ah, build. I just adore this piece, it’s tres Arthas-chic.

Ciao darlings,
Agrimony


*Just in! Apparently this, I hesitate to use the word garment, is the latest offering from a designer new on the scene! Nogg has a sweatshop in Orgrimmar, and shouldn’t dream of quitting his day job.

One hardly knows where to begin with this but averting the eyes might be a start. Now, I know its an orc and the wretched creature probably doesn’t know any better but I think it’s obvious to the rest of us that this Lara Croft look simply isn’t working for you, dear boy. I don’t know precisely what it says about the Azerothian High Street, but it’s assuredly something dreadful, that I have to emphasise a fact that should be self-evident, even to the lower races, but:


I cannot even begin to unravel the thought processes that went on behind this choice – assuming there were any – but I can only presume it’s a bid for, and this is shudder-inducing believe me, rugged and sexy.

Dear boy, trust me when I say that when it comes to Putting Out: less is more. There is simply far too much Put available to the general public here.

As something positive to take away from this, dear boy, I do think you’re right to emphasise your legs; they are your best feature and mercifully they detract attention from your face which is quite frankly dreadful. However, I think some well tailored leathers, or some form-fitting seamed trousers, would do the job far more effectively than crotchless gimp shorts.

Ciao darlings,
Agrimony

I never fail to have a chill run down my spine when entering the foul-smelling Orgrimmar Auction House. Where does this stench come from, I hear you cry, refined readers with noses turned up aghast in horror at the mere mention of such stench. Why, from the unruly mob of adventurers who consider it normal to stand around in a modern Bank or Auctioneers geared out in ten dozen quillboars-worth of sweaty combat armour. It's as if some of these swine NEVER take it off!  There is a time and a place, dear readers! Have some consideration for yourselves, your fellow bidders and the reputation of your faction, and at least wear something casual. Better still, seek out professional help.

You heard it here first: Ugg boots are BACK in a big way this season. Colours are DARK, weapons are HUGE, it's chav meets gothic like you've never seen it before. For more conservative tastes MASSIVE SPIKES and FLOWING CLOAKS are never out of style but why not lift your everyday raiding outfits with some SKULL MOTIFS to stay on the pulse of the now. Why not tap into your PRIMITIVE SIDE (and I'm looking at you, inferior races of Azeroth) with some SLAIN ANIMAL PELTS: a couple of silvers should be enough to make a passing peon do you FUR FARMING for you but you can always SLAUGHTER YOUR OWN for a truly unique outfit (to say nothing of the ever pleasurable destruction of creatures weaker than yourself). The Lich King (pictured above, on The FROZEN THRONE, which I shouldn't need to tell you, dear readers, is THE place to be seen) is sporting NORTHREND YAK. And, finally, it's CHARITY TIME for all those not blessed to be Blood Elves. If you're cursed by a poor complexion, tusks, tentacles or other disfigurements, it's your LUCKY DAY: face-covering helments are THE accessory this season.

Ciao darlings,
Agrimony (the prettiest elf)

Welcome to Noble's Monocle, the only style weekly in Azeroth written by Blood Elves with true taste and discretion. I am Cantugeas, known financier, fashion magnate and  joint editor of this fine publication. Our magazine has been launched to deal with the frighful fashion faux-pas and commendable costuming of all the denizens of both Kalimdor and the Eastern  Kingdoms on the Emerald Dream realm. We hope you enjoy our wry, terribly well-informed commentary on the sartorial  scene and all that surrounds it from tittle right through to tattle . If not, then you obviously lack the taste to  deserve to be reading this esteemed organ.