Noble's Monocle

Shocking news!

2009-04-02T06:42:00.000-07:00

The Holy Springs Spa in Stranglethorn Vale has always been THE tropical break location for members of the Zep-Set who simply don’t have the time to commit to a full workout in Mara.

My wayward associate Cantugeas and I have enjoyed several luxurious weekends there, taking advantage of the splendid jacuzzi and sauna facilities.

But imagine my horror on my last flying visit to discover that they’ve started to pandering to the hoi-poloi. There are Nagas absolutely everywhere, leaving their towels on the sun loungers and making bloodelves of impeccable lineage and self-evident prettiness queue for the steam bath.

They’re even letting Taurens in these days.

I don’t know what Azeroth is coming to. I can’t believe people are going to all this trouble over the nonsense in Northrend when the real crisis is right here in the Eastern Kingdoms.

Something must be done!

Ciao darlings,
Agrimony

A Treatise on the Potency of Purple Lotus. At the Express recommendation of the editor.

2008-12-01T08:56:00.001-08:00

The Lotus in Question.

Dear Boy! Do we have any more of those...Dear Boy! Ah, there they are! Don't mind if I... dear boy! This snuff is fabulous! What the deuce is that ogre doing there? Egad! Oh, it's you Lurky. Aiee! A Monstrous sia...Dear Boy! Yes, yes I want this published WORD FOR WORD you peon it's genius I tell you! And Agrimony is here! I told you, didn't I, dear boy...dear boy? Now, what was I doing? Ah yes, Another of those delightful flowers! Dear boy this is certainly the best party ever! And with so many beautiful goblins! Dear boy, what on earth was I doing....

Introducing the Camfrais Line!

2008-11-23T06:27:00.000-08:00

Famed international trade facilitator Cantugeas is modelling the latest exclusive handmade bespoke Camfrais Casual Shirt .

But who is the designer behind this new phenomenon?!

Introducing the hottest new designer this side of the Eastern Kingdoms! The Camfrais line recently made its debut adorning the elite of Silvermoon City's finest in the most exclusive Mana Tap clubs. Diplomats, warlords, magisters and pop stars have all been spotted sporting the sensational new Camfrais Casual line. Terribly well-known socialite Agrimony is said to own a complete Camfrais outfit! The unsurpassable shirts magically adapt themselves to perfect length and bespoke contours as soon as they are worn.

A noted financier and high-profile diamond magnate is the sole supplier of the Camfrais line (auction only, of course, with prices rumoured to be stratospheric and tawdry knock-offs already flooding the market), but insisted on anonymity when discussing the source. Secrecy is the watchword around this new fashion wunderkind. Apparently the dashingly handsome Camfrais himself oversees a design workshop somewhere in the depths of Outland, using thread made from pure mana and needles painstakingly crafted from Dragon Ivory. The maestro insists on working alone and uninterrupted at his craft, protected at all times by his hulking ogre bodyguard Duh-riff, a terrifying beastmaster whose faithful bald eagle Peckerington never leaves his side. Though dozens of zealous apprentices endure great hardships vying to catch a glimpse of Camfrais' elegant stitching-hand in action, none have yet returned to tell the tale! Dear Readers, let us simply be thankful for the small gifts showered upon us by this tailoring messiah, and wait with bated breath and full wallets for his next triumph!

Yours (proudly wearing his own Camfrais Exclusive!),

Cantugeas

Hats are SO last season!

2008-11-21T02:12:00.000-08:00

The Prettiest Elf (pictured above) is currently wearing a designer white bandit’s mask.

“Beauty is a form of genius--is higher, indeed, than genius, as it needs no explanation.” – Oscar Wilde

“Mmmrfff! Mmmmfff mff mrfff … mffft; mffrrff mfff mfff! Mrfff! Mrfff mff mrrrrfffmmff mrfff. Mmmrfff!” - Agrimony

Mrff mrfffs,
Agrmff

What NOT to wear 2

2008-11-18T07:31:00.001-08:00

Chastity, pictured above, is wearing Deathchill Armour from the new Lich King theme seasonal range by Amnennar the Coldbringer and Dual Reinforced Leggings by who knows or cares.*

What we see perfectly demonstrated here are the dangers of shopping on a budget. I really would have expected better from a fellow Blood Elf. Don’t mistake my meaning, I do understand that not everyone can afford to be fabulously wealthy like Cantugeas and myself but there is no excuse for this kind of sloppiness. Haut couture at the top, oh my god at the bottom.

I have no notion of what manner of madness is currently sweeping Azeroth but it seems my strictures in a previous edition of Noble’s Monocle were disregarded. For the last time you abominably ill-dressed freaks, covering one’s crotch never goes out of fashion!

I am most peeved.

As a range of heavy metal lingerie, this leggings and suspender combination would be vulgar; for daywear it’s utterly gauche. And I cannot even begin to imagine the armour chafe. Do try to have some self-respect, dear girl. Horrific rashes are only sexy to the Forsaken.

I have to say, though, I am rather taken with the new line from Amnennar the Coldbringer. This little number was certainly worth the outlay and, although I’m not usually a fan of a bare midriff, it does provide a necessary contrast to the austerity of the overall design. The asymmetrical spiky shoulders add a little drama and, of course, a halter neck is always terribly flattering for a girl of Chastity’s, ah, build. I just adore this piece, it’s tres Arthas-chic.

Ciao darlings,
Agrimony

*Just in! Apparently this, I hesitate to use the word garment, is the latest offering from a designer new on the scene! Nogg has a sweatshop in Orgrimmar, and shouldn’t dream of quitting his day job.

Formal Weaponry? But of course!

2008-11-18T06:35:00.000-08:00

Agthragor of Durotar is modelling Corpsemaker by Overlord Ramtusk. Note how this formal yet functional axe crowns the perfect ensemble for any social engagement, be it tea with Lady Proudmoore or an appointment at the Scarlet Monastery.

All too often adventurers across our noble land sacrifice style for substance in their social engagements. How are we ever going to defeat the Scarlet crusade if we allow ourselves to even be outdressed by the mouth-frothing zealots?! Nothing hurts morale more than having to off an enemy commander while simultaneously perpetuating crimes against fashion. Noble's Monocle is working to avert or at least put off the sad day when our finest heroes are upstaged by the leftover outfit of a hungering ghoul by making a stand for more style-conscious adventuring. Weapons are where we place our standard today. I myself favour the elegant yet deadly Electrocutioner Leg (By Electrocutioner 6000) / Speedsteel Rapier(terribly exclusive, you certainly couldn't afford it!) combo. Now now, I know what you lesser races are thinking: "Cantugeas doesn't understand the awkward dressing and gearing decisions faced by those less fortunate than himself!" what about your ugly one-handed maces, your splintered yet keen crossbows and your bent-out-of-shape Polearms Of The Falcon? Well, none of you have any excuse, since a weapon can make or break an outfit, and I'm afraid you just have to compromise! Yes,even you dirt-worshipping Shamans and hammer-fetishest Paladins, think about what your weaponry says about YOU and consider it before you show your face in social situations!

Take Agthragor here, the excellently chosen and well-sharpened Corpsemaker may not be the ideal shamanic beatstick, but it more than suffices for the purpose of 'smashing headz' as I'm sure he'd indelicately put it, without a loss of style! The elegant black and silver runed finish makes his formals shine (although those awful gloves do put the dampener on a bit but hey, what can one expect from a greenskin!). It's sharp, it's functional, its understated and gorgeous and available NOW from Overlord Ramtusk in your local Razorfen Kraul, don't miss out!

Cordially Yours,

Cantugeas.

What NOT to wear

2008-11-17T06:52:00.001-08:00

Gazrakk, picture above, is wearing Ferine Leggings by Agathelos the Raging; and, for reasons best known to himself, a tuxedo jacket and tuxedo shirt. This is what happens when you take a 'smart-casual' dress code literally. Tsk Tsk.

One hardly knows where to begin with this but averting the eyes might be a start. Now, I know its an orc and the wretched creature probably doesn’t know any better but I think it’s obvious to the rest of us that this Lara Croft look simply isn’t working for you, dear boy. I don’t know precisely what it says about the Azerothian High Street, but it’s assuredly something dreadful, that I have to emphasise a fact that should be self-evident, even to the lower races, but:

Leather straps are not a pair of trousers.

I cannot even begin to unravel the thought processes that went on behind this choice – assuming there were any – but I can only presume it’s a bid for, and this is shudder-inducing believe me, rugged and sexy.

Dear boy, trust me when I say that when it comes to Putting Out: less is more. There is simply far too much Put available to the general public here.

As something positive to take away from this, dear boy, I do think you’re right to emphasise your legs; they are your best feature and mercifully they detract attention from your face which is quite frankly dreadful. However, I think some well tailored leathers, or some form-fitting seamed trousers, would do the job far more effectively than crotchless gimp shorts.

Ciao darlings,
Agrimony

What the well dressed banker is wearing.

2008-11-16T05:13:00.000-08:00

I never fail to have a chill run down my spine when entering the foul-smelling Orgrimmar Auction House. Where does this stench come from, I hear you cry, refined readers with noses turned up aghast in horror at the mere mention of such stench. Why, from the unruly mob of adventurers who consider it normal to stand around in a modern Bank or Auctioneers geared out in ten dozen quillboars-worth of sweaty combat armour. It's as if some of these swine NEVER take it off! There is a time and a place, dear readers! Have some consideration for yourselves, your fellow bidders and the reputation of your faction, and at least wear something casual. Better still, seek out professional help.

Of course, as any well heeled hero knows, it is best to recruit a financial advisor and skilled broker-elf to do all the elegant business of storing, trading and bartering for goods that underpins the grimy slog of defending notables like me from the wrath of the Lich King. But how to select from the throng of financiers vying for your business? The TRUE fiscal fire-mage will dress the part.

Don't touch any charlatan without the good sense to wear at least a Tuxedo Jacket and Tuxedo Pants, the standard and accepted banker's uniform. A Casual Shirt is just about acceptable, but if he wears that AND lacks refined bearing then snub him. You want someone with an eye for detail to manage your portfolio, and far and away the best way to tell if those qualities are present is to examine their attire in minutiae. Check for Antique Silver Cufflinks or an elegantly Tarnished Silver Necklace to set your mind at ease with regards to their discretion. Of course you also seek someone who's good at the damn job and has the cash to prove it, and a Noble's Elementium Signet or Gold Eternium Band should be more than sufficient shinies. Beware of cheap imitation 'bling' like Thick Bronze Necklace or Overpriced Fripperies, both are warning signs that this individual shouldn't be trusted with your children's inheritance. Finally, look them in the eye and asses them. NEVER those awful, tawdry Ruby Shades (they practically Scream Loan Shark and Scourge Spy simultaneously!), ALWAYS that touchstone of the financier's craft: the Noble's Monocle.

Cloth of the Lich King

2008-11-15T16:30:00.000-08:00

You heard it here first: Ugg boots are BACK in a big way this season. Colours are DARK, weapons are HUGE, it's chav meets gothic like you've never seen it before. For more conservative tastes MASSIVE SPIKES and FLOWING CLOAKS are never out of style but why not lift your everyday raiding outfits with some SKULL MOTIFS to stay on the pulse of the now. Why not tap into your PRIMITIVE SIDE (and I'm looking at you, inferior races of Azeroth) with some SLAIN ANIMAL PELTS: a couple of silvers should be enough to make a passing peon do you FUR FARMING for you but you can always SLAUGHTER YOUR OWN for a truly unique outfit (to say nothing of the ever pleasurable destruction of creatures weaker than yourself). The Lich King (pictured above, on The FROZEN THRONE, which I shouldn't need to tell you, dear readers, is THE place to be seen) is sporting NORTHREND YAK. And, finally, it's CHARITY TIME for all those not blessed to be Blood Elves. If you're cursed by a poor complexion, tusks, tentacles or other disfigurements, it's your LUCKY DAY: face-covering helments are THE accessory this season.

Ciao darlings,
Agrimony (the prettiest elf)

Welcome to Noble's Monocle!

2008-11-15T16:19:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Noble's Monocle, the only style weekly in Azeroth written by Blood Elves with true taste and discretion. I am Cantugeas, known financier, fashion magnate and joint editor of this fine publication. Our magazine has been launched to deal with the frighful fashion faux-pas and commendable costuming of all the denizens of both Kalimdor and the Eastern Kingdoms on the Emerald Dream realm. We hope you enjoy our wry, terribly well-informed commentary on the sartorial scene and all that surrounds it from tittle right through to tattle . If not, then you obviously lack the taste to deserve to be reading this esteemed organ.

Cordially yours,

Cantugeas.